This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
