i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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