this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize