I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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