Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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