I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
