we have pet lesbian snakes
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
