Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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