i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
