Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
