I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
