Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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