if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize