Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You left your underwear on the fireplace
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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