my phone needs a breathalizer
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
