I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
