can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
