hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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