seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
