if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she looked like the before picture.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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