And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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