Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
