No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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