the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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