god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
