i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
