I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
