it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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