even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
