The maid of honor just puked.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
