Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
