I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
