I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
