Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
