If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
