Is it because I queefed?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
