you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
