Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
