Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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