i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
