Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
