I smell stomach acid.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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