Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
