I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
