my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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