I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
