I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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