did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I enjoy the company of your penis
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
