ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize