Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
