the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
