I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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