my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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