I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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