i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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