The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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