I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sorry about my life...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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