I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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