I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
