is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
