i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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