3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
