if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
