I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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